Let's start Again...

Shrinking Out Loud I like to think and write. I am not sure either is that good for me, and I do them to excess anyway. I have created this space as a place to document a journey I am embarking on for myself. I am seeking healing and growth and most of all to be the best version of myself I can be. Though I am overweight, it's not the thing I want you to remember about me. I am always sure that is the only thing anyone can ever see about me. I have curly hair, a cutie husband, four ridiculously adorable children, a beautiful house, caring family members, a dysfunctional family dynamic, so many friends and two of the sweetest doggos a lady could wish for. I have so so so much. Yet, I carry the toxic thoughts and self-harm around like a badge of honor in the form of an aching body, double chin, and a big round belly. All these things are true, but only one is a terrible secret that adds fuel to the fire of conceit, deep sadness and self-medicating and dosing. So, what's next? I really don't think I will ever be able to shrink until I fix some stuff. And when I tell you I have been standing at the end of diving board trying to jump into the healing process, I mean I have been standing there for YEARS. I know stuff. I have acknowledged stuff. I have gathered some tools. And I have made some grave missteps in trying to heal "my way'. There are so many things at stake. Let's look at those first. I have been married for 21 years and I am driving my love away because I am not being a healthy partner. I am parenting from a place of over-protection and fear. I am harming my temple with bingeing and general lack of healthy nourishment. I am pushing my friends away because it is painful to be with people that seemly have their shit together. I am trying to help heal my Ala-non "qualifier" at the sake of that relationship. So really, all fingers point to stopping the insanity of focusing on what I can't control and starting to heal the little girl that needs healing. I am pretty new to the Ala-Non journey. This is maybe week six. I have already gained so much from listening to the stories and struggles of the people in that room. Every single meeting, I walk away with a nugget of truth that I needed to hear, or I can apply to my live that very day. I am going to keep going, it works. Additionally, my Love and I restarted going to marriage counseling. I, really, we, but it felt mostly like I was with the counselor less than an hour when she accounted for and announced, we are dealing with a dysfunctional family dynamic, and we need to heal our habits in the roles of dysfunction before we can fix the symptoms you have brought to me. I don't feel that transparent, but it just reiterates, it's time to heal. I am not sure shrinking will be the first thing that happens. I want to heal, and I feel like if some of the healing is out loud, then someone else might recognize themself and take some steps too. For now, I am committed to bettering myself, through reading, Ala-Non, taking care of me, keeping my mouth shut, modeling healthy behavior and personal counseling. I can do this.